The Christmas Letter

With the Holidays upon us and the annual Greetings that are sent, I am always in awe of the infamous Christmas Letter.  That mere 8×11 sheet of paper that captures the highlights of the past 12 months of life.  The tidbits of wonderfulness that are shared across the miles with boastful parents and happy little stories of adventure and achievements.

I enjoy these letters for the mere fact I could never ever write one.  Because my letter would be more reality based and would add more comic relief to the Joys of the Season than wonderment of my families achievements.   I can’t really sugar coat the lives of those 4 boys to make it an awe inspiring story vs the baffling events of daily life. Below are examples of the letters I would get vs the letter I would write:

Letter Received:

Happy Holidays from the &^%*$ Family! This year has been such a fun one that its hard to contain our excitement on this small sheet of paper.  This year we took three dream vacations to Machu Pichu where we had a spiritual awakening, Vancouver where we skied/snowboarded with Shawn White and he gave the kids private lessons for free, plus we took a Disney Cruise where we dined with Captain Mickey every night and got to steer the ship.

Our kids are in several activities:  our 6 year old just got his black belt in Tae Kwan Do and also has a modeling contract with the Gap.  Our 9 year daughter was asked to be on the Olympic Gymnastics team but turned down the offer to concentrate on perfecting her violin.  She has been asked by the NYC Orchestra to be guest 1st chair at the annual New Year’s Day concert.  We couldn’t be prouder.

One small glitch in our year is that our Yellow Lab — Sadie — only got 2nd place in the US National Pier Jumping Competition.  She was only 3/4″ off the leader and her Silver Medal is prominently displayed next to her picture with President Obama’s dog Bo with who she is BFF. 

Tom has been hard at work in the Food Additives department as his job.  He has perfected an additive to be sprayed on asparagus to decrease the horrible smell your urine takes on after eating it. The additive also adds a rainbow sparkly hue as you pee.  I have been busy caring for the elderly in my free time while also volunteering at the kids school and working full time as a Chef to the Stars.  Now my job isn’t as easy at Tom’s since those celebrities can be temperamental.  That salmon has to be seared for only a 1/4″ on each side and it has to be more Lemon that Butter for AJ while BP just prefers steak.  My-oh-my it can be a challenge to get those dishes to perfection for the perfect people I work for (can’t name names, hence the initials).

Since we have so much love to give we have adopted an orphan from a 3rd world country and as it turns out she is a chess prodigy and is currently on a US Tour.  We found her an Au Pair that speaks her native language to travel with her to make the adjustment easier to the Land of Opportunity and we look forward to having her home for Christmas.  She flies in on Dec 24th and thats when we will present her with her own gold plated chess set.

Other than that our lives have been bland.  We had to endure Ty Pennington remodeling our house which was a challenge because Tom said he didn’t “keep his shirt on enough” but I wasn’t complaining about that!  Our house is so much more EcoFriendly and cozy now since we generate our own power from the windmill out back.

I read all three books of “50 Shades of Grey” and lets just say Tom was happy I did!  Wink wink! :)

That’s about it from the &^%*$ Family!  We wish the best of the best to you and yours this Holiday Season.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

PS:  We snuck in the picture of the unicorn we found while hiking in Peru, but don’t spread the word they are real.  We would HATE for anything bad to happen to that wonderful animal.  He led us thru the mountains and taught us how to walk on clouds!

Letter Written:

Seasons Greetings from the Weitgenant Family!  We hope this letter finds you in good spirits this Holiday Season.  We are happy to say that we have had few run ins with the law this year and none of the kids have been held back in school.  We are on grade level expectations with academics and we are mastering Madden 13 on the Wii.

We haven’t taken any vacations this year due to the fact the boys drink about a gallon of milk every other day and our vacation fund goes straight to the Jewel on a bi-weekly basis.  But they are healthy, eating machines so we are happy to provide them substance.  We have gone camping a few times and we took up Geocaching as a free, fun hobby to enjoy.  We just hope that we find more Letterboxes than used condoms when traipsing thru the woods!  Don’t want to have to explain that during our fun Geocaching experience. 

We have caught more fish than had fish hooks caught in appendages so that’s good.  Actually we have stayed out of the ER most of the year dispite the constant infighting, tree climbing and brutal dodgeball games. 

Jen read all three books of “50 Shades of Grey” but still can’t stay awake past 9pm to put any of that knowledge to good use.

We still have our two dogs who are relatively good and only dig out about once a week.  We know alot of our neighbors from the mere fact they have brought our dogs home on several occasions.  We also found out that Animal Control isn’t active on the weekend in our community so if there is a dog on the loose its the local police who bring them home.  That was a tidbit of information that was new to us.  And as much as we love them and clean up after them we have at least one child who has a poop magnet on the bottom of his shoes…….. needless to say the steam mop is heavily used and if you are smart you would buy stock in Clorox and Lysol.

Both our jobs are going well.  Jeremy is looking to be promoted for his great work in the area of chemistry and I found my dream job.  I am currently working as a clinical research nurse and have found a job where my OCD can run wild.  Its a refreshing job for the fact that I don’t have anyone coughing Influenza in my face or puking on my shoes anymore.  I don’t feel the need to strip my clothes off in the garage and throw them in the washer on HOT the second I get home from work. Plus I don’t have to decontaminate myself with Fels Naptha soap in a scalding shower at 2am after an ER shift. 

Jen has been quietly obsessed with the Mayan Calendar and the End of the World as We Know it.  She has been intermittently spouting theories from Solar Flares to UFOs to the fact the Mayans probably ate alot of Psychedelic Mushrooms.  But her and her friends have hatched a half ass Doomsday Plan in which each person has a specific role to play (the roles secret and will not be revealed).  She plans on having the gas tank full and her bags packed by 1700 on Dec 20th.

The house is standing and the walls have fewer holes that were created by “Not Me” than last year.  The carpet need replaced for reasons we won’t mention and the birch didn’t die in the summer of multiple 108+F days (despite what the pushy TruGreen guy was spouting).  We took our first Family Road Trip and the only casualty was a green Lego Ninjago guy which we take as a successful Road Trip.  One main reason it was successful was the fact we have boys and we kept an empty milk jug in the back of the car. 

That about it from the Weitgenant House!!  We wish you and yours a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  If we see 2013 then we look forward to letting you know what’s happening with us!!  Hugs!

I would hope that by being truthful and honest we would be starting a trend in the yearly Christmas Letter.   It would be much much much more interesting to read what people have REALLY been up to over the past year than the glossed over highlights.  Its nice to know you aren’t alone when grocery shopping in your PJs or passing off mediocre weekend outtings as “vacations”.

Its nice to know that not every kid is being scouted by MLB at the age of 12 to be the next Cy Young and that sometimes you walk in the house with dog poop on your shoes.  That the highlight of your year is developing a system for folding clothes that cut your total laundry time down by 1/4 of what it used to take.  THAT’s the type of stuff we should be writing and reading.  To quote one of the our favorite classic Christmas Movies:  “its Christmas and we are all in misery”.  Much love during this Real Holiday Season!

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One Response to The Christmas Letter

  1. Tina says:

    Love it Jen (and your brutal honesty of family life)!

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